Posted on | August 12, 2012 | 4 Comments
Note: Please read my manual thoroughly before getting to know me. You will really save yourself a lot of time and possible heartache.
I have not been tested (except by my wife and she is still learning) so may cause harm if not operated properly.
Location of parts
Please find included one tall, broad male of rugby player stature (in other words, don’t mess with me, I’m big). Two arms and legs intact (although one arm is in a bandage due to recent fall off bicycle). Spectacles included.
WARNING: Although this may sound strange in an instruction manual, you should NOT press any of my buttons. Instead, simply try and understand me.
1. Know that I know a lot. Not being arrogant here, I just do. My wife is continuously amazed at this. She shouldn’t be because a) I read a lot – scientific journals and textbooks mainly – and b) what I read I easily retain.
2. Know that I do not know a lot about things I consider mundane. So, for example, if you ask me about string theory, or rainwater harvesting, or how to build a boat, I can talk forever. Same goes for The Cure, The Jesus and Mary Chain, the British indie music scene between 1988 and 1992, Formula One racing, the rules of rugby, and how to bake bread and cook an excellent curry. However, ask me the names of that couple we just had dinner with, or what time my daughter gets out of school, or who our next house guests are, and I won’t have a clue. (I know, some of it doesn’t make sense because, as my wife would point out, to her, Formula One and rugby are mundane, yet school hours and people’s names are not. But you did want an instruction manual, so just suck it up, OK?)
3. I am pre-programmed to be sociable as needed, eg. when my wife invites people round (for it is always she who does this, never me, unless it’s the rugby team and then she runs a mile in the other direction and wants no part of it). However, my sociability dials down from 10 to zero as they are waved off and the front door closes. Then I speak to nobody and immerse myself in television. I think it’s what some may call the ‘man cave’. Whatever it is, I feel drained. I am spent socially and need to re-fill my tank, which may take some time. So please do not try and engage me in conversation at these times.
4. I am fussy about food. Not so much about what I eat (although processed/microwaved foods leave me cold) as how it is made. My wife says I am a food snob. Maybe so. I like to cook things from scratch and that takes time. Therefore I am not always Mr Popular with dinner party guests expecting to eat before 9.30pm.
5. I am fussy about quantities of food. It must come in large amounts – like, really really large amounts, so that there is both the implication that an army or rugby team may knock on the door at any minute, and also that there are so many leftovers it lasts us three or four days.
6. Because of 4. and 5., I do not like anybody else cooking in my house (my mum excepted). When someone else does cook, like my wife or my daughter Sweetpea, I tend to hover and suggest where they might improve their skills and that they might cook in a larger quantity than they are doing. This does not always go done well. It didn’t go down well the other night when my wife was preparing food for our regular TGI Friday gathering of neighbors and friends, one she traditionally cooks for. I happened to be home much earlier than expected (due to aforementioned fall off bicycle) and found myself commentating on her prep work. It did not go down well. I think there was swearing, in fact. But I was only trying to help, honest.
7. I can fix things. It is my job. I am an engineer.
8. At home, I don’t like fixing things because it is my job. I am an engineer.
9. WARNING: Do NOT push the button that says ‘apply pressure/nag’. This may result in dangerous voltage and possibly fire. My wife has done this only a handful of times during our 21-year relationship. She learned quickly.
10. Finally, enjoy this product. It is super-intelligent, kind, big-hearted and a great cook. Once you fully understand this manual and how to operate the product properly, you will, I think, enjoy it. (Either that or you’ll run screaming for the door… still haven’t worked out why some people do that.)